But first I realized I didn't post this week's belly photo. Here it is, 20 weeks.
Also I don't think I've given an update on the house. We had the inspection on Wednesday and it went much better than we expected. The foundation looks great, the wiring has been updated, the plumbing is in good shape, and we won't have to replace the roof. Honestly, we've never had such a good inspection on any house we've tried to buy. So, we're pretty pumped! It's looking like this thing is really going to happen.
Today in yoga class during our meditation I realized how much this house means to me. Here I've been trying not to get emotional about it, and not get my hopes up. But I realized today that like it or not I am pretty invested in it. The yoga instructor had us close our eyes and picture ourselves in our "special place." Before today any time I did that I went to an imaginary place that's a field full of wildflowers with a big rock just right for sitting right next to a free flowing stream. Always that was my place. But today I found myself sitting - in my imagination - in the front gardens of the new house, under the grape arbor, taking in the poppies and smelling the Russian sage and lavender, and feeling so at peace.
I realized that after moving so much throughout my childhood, and on into my adulthood - about every 3 years on average - that I've not really had a sense of place to ground me. Now for the first time we are buying a house simply because we love it - not because it fits into our long term strategy for building our real estate portfolio (although it does that pretty well too). This is not so much a strategic move as a quality of life move. Although with the good deal we're getting on the place, and the sweet setup we have on the Wolff house for making it a rental, luckily the money part makes it a no-brainer. But we are buying this house because we love it. Because it's just the kind of space we have wanted to share with each other and with our children. And it's the first time I've ever been looking at a move into a house that maybe we just might stay in for a long, long time. Arwen grew up in the same house for his first 19 years, so for him this isn't exactly a first. For me, it means a lot. I wanted very much to give my kids a special place to grow up in, to make memories in, to come back to when they are older. And this just might be it. Pretty neato.
Something else I've been thinking a lot about is what a different experience this pregnancy is for me than Roan's was. It's only now with some distance that I can see how tightly wound and anxious I was the first time around. I focused on making lists, reading books, setting goals, and accomplishing things in the thought that that would somehow get me "ready" for parenthood.
What I didn't realize is what a toll that would take on me. I never really learned how to relax or how to slow down and take care of myself. Later I would learn what essential skills those are. It's no wonder that by the end I was a very miserable person. This time around there are no lists. Well ok there's one VERY short list but I don't even check it very often. (I sound like a drug addict... "I can quit any time!") But really my whole perspective is different. I am busy, sure. Work is busy, the new house and Roan's new school, and just life in general keep my days full. But I am regularly checking in with myself, making sure I'm taking things in stride, choosing peace and positivity over worry and stress. Sometimes it's little things. Like listening to my body and taking time to stretch or get in the bath or switch out of street clothes and into jammies. The old me always put myself last and then when I fell apart was at a loss as to why. I'm trying to be present and aware, and it seems to be paying off.
I don't know whether these good feelings will last. Or if as the pregnancy wears on and takes a greater toll on my body and mind I will grow more and more tense and anxious. But I don't think it will. Last time at the core I was fundamentally anxious that something would be wrong with Roan or my ability to care for her. This time I am at my core serene in the feeling that everything will be just fine. It's a nice place to be.
So before I sign off, a few pictures and videos. Roan has been spending some time with her little buddy Gracie lately. They are so cute together. Here we all are in the backyard the other night.
Here they are singing a new song over dinner about how great Kindergarten is.
And here they are playing in the hammock.
Also I should mention that despite the initial shock, I think Roan is adjusting well to the idea of having a baby brother. She spent the evening at tonight's BBQ running between Jack and Logan, having so much fun playing with the two of them. And on the way home she was singing a new song she made up that has just one simple line: "Baby brother, baby brother, I love you, I love you..." Aw, my little sweetie.