8/17/2006 - Is this for real?

I am so tired I can hardly stand it. Now that I know I'm pregnant I don't have to wonder why. This past monday I took a pregnancy test, not because I believed I was pregnant, but simply to put my mind at rest.

According to the judgements of my temperature charts, ovulation predictor kits and my doctor, by all accounts I did not ovulate this past month. No ovulation, no baby: simple. But then my boobs started to swell, and I began to feel aches in my ovaries. Oh and my face broke out like a cheese pizza. The thing is, every month for the last two years I think I feel pregnancy symptoms coming on, and every month I am disappointed to learn that in fact, I'm not pregnant. So this month, knowing I hadn't ovulated, I wasn't having it. I had many stern conversations with myself: "You know you can't be pregnant. It's as simple as that. End of story."

But when I started to have more symptoms, I just had to rule it out officially. Perhaps my grossly enlarged stomach was not due to over indulging in chips and queso after all. I picked up a home pregnancy test at the grocery store, and first thing monday morning I took a pee on the stick. Insisting on an absolutely incontrovertible result, I opted for the newfangled kind of test that displays the result in actual words rather than in incomprehensible colored lines. I nearly fell off the toilet when, within seconds, the word "PREGNANT" stared back at me. "Holy sh*t!" were the first words out of my mouth.

That first day I was in shock. Not only had I been convinced that I couldn't get pregant this month, we would be moving out of state 5 days later. Brilliant right? Turn up pregnant and then immediately move 20 hours away from all your friends and family. Show up in a new town, not really knowing anyone, fetus in tow. I thought guiltily back on this month's past transgressions. Tequila shots on vacation in Breckenridge. The margarita machine I overindulged in at a friend's going away party. The glass of wine or beer I've imbibed many nights with dinner. The lack of fresh veggies in my diet lately. Well, I thought, if the little bean had survived all that it must be a fighter.

While I researched prenatal nutrition and searched for a birthing center in Denver, Arwen cautioned me to slow down. "Let's wait till we see the doctor. You just don't know. Maybe it's a virus." I'm still laughing about that last comment. A virus that causes abdominal swelling, a missed period and two positive pregnancy tests. Uh huh. But my dear husband does have a point. Let's not get too carried away until we have some reassurance that things have a reasonable chance of developing normally.

Since that first day of feeling like a deer in headlights, I can't help it - the excitement has been building. We have been trying for a kid for so long and now it seems it is finally our turn. It is so hard not to say anything to my parents or my sister. I know how excited they'll be. Our first doctor's appointment is tomorrow - TOMORROW - and I just want to fast forward through today. They promised to do an ultrasound, so hopefully we should get some reassuring confirmation that things are normal. Arwen's going with me, so he can see for himself the little virus. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I can't help imagine relaying the happy news to our immediate family. Until tomorrow morning I'm going to exercise every shred of willpower I have not to engage in "what ifs". At this point, everything beyond what I eat and drink and how much rest I get is outside of my control.